My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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