I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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