i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
