so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I cut my penus on the lid.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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