whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
