We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
