i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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