Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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