Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
