Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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