Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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