Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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