Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
