I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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