Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
