you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
