smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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