I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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