We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She's the barista slut.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
