After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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