I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
