you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
