i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
