MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
