a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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