I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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