she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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