This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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