Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
