I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
