I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
