fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
