Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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