I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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