im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
