tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The Olympian is in my bed
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