Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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