Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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