Midget sex pt 2 tonight
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
