he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
