my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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