This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
