I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize