Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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