Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He kissed a someone with a penis
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Randomize
