I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
