I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
