i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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