made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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