Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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