You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
