i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
