tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
