batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
