Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
