Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
