Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
