Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The best revenge is premature balding
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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