I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
