So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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