Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Randomize
