Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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